It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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