There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
