Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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