Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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