her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
