zippers are such a cool invention
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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