capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
