Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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