i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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