I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
