grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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