We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
