your parents love me but you hate me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
