so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
