"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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