Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
