And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
