Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
