Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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