I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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