Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
