We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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