kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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