I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i think my mom watched the whole time
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
