someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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