Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Life is so much better after having sex.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
