Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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