So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
