His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
