he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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