He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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