If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
