Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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