My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
