Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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