member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
