im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
