I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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