On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
