If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
