either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
