I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
