Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
