so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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