I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
