Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
