happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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