Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
