alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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