Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
