so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
