Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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