Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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