If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
