There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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