Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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