For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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