I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
