I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
