Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
