I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
